


I should´ve gone home (how hard can it be to say no)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Car Accidents, Cheating, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, cheating au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:17:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4688741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That one, <em>fourth</em>, time Carmilla does something really really stupid and Laura catches her on it, only this time Carmilla might have screwed it up too much for Laura to forgive her</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I'm trying to sell you another lie// You already bought too many// You can see it through my disguise// And I'm caught already// I don't know why I do these things// Guess I love your jealousy// Should've left but I did it again// Now it all fires back at me// And I can't break your wall// I know I went too far// I should've gone home// How hard can it be to say "no"?_

_\- Should've gone home by Måns Zelmerlöv_

\-----

The breeze is cold. It undresses her of her every ounce of warmth. Her body has melted together with the stone of the stairs leading up to the door. The light flickers above her, as it always has, casting a bright yellow light over her and then nothing at all for several seconds. It pricks at her eyes, the endless flickering. That and the sound of the wind moving along the side of the building makes her feel even more lonely. She's no good with dealing with that feeling. Never has. Could have something to do with her mother, or her brother, or the family she never really had and then lost before she was old enough to remember any of it. 

She hides her ice cold hands, tucked in under her arms in a poor attempt at getting them a bit warmer. The chills running through her body don't run out. Her mind gave up a long time ago of convincing the rest of her body to move, to seek warmth and cover somewhere where the cold autumn weather wouldn't reach her, but her heart was chained to this doorway and so was she.

Maybe she should have left when the door was slammed in her face, when her words were forced down her throat and her feet shoved out of the hall. Maybe she should have left and returned by morning, ready to give it another try when they had both gotten some sleep. Yet, she knows better than to ever believe that she could get any sleep in this state. She has not been able to before.

This time wouldn't be any different.

But _this_ time was supposed to different.

"Why?", she asks herself and closes her eyes. Her head falls back, even behind closed eyes can she see the flickering light. It's going to drive her insane. Her eyes opens as she breathes out, "why, why, why?".

If only she'd known the answer before all of this shit had happened.

\--- **/** \---

_This is not how their story goes._

_That's the only thing she can think of, over and over again, as she slumps down the street, leaving the stairs and that door behind her. This is not how their story _goes_. She didn't sign up for this - arguing for days on end, sleepless nights waiting on that one call, waking up with a pounding headache only to replace that one with a new one, ending up on those stairs with tears streaming down _her_ cheeks, over and over again._

_Carmilla did not see this coming when she kissed the awkward girl with lively eyes and a bright smile._

_Yet, that is exactly what she got._

_That is the reason for her frustrated walk. Hands shoved down into her pockets, her index finger tapping against her phone while the thought of picking it up and calling _her_ repeats itself on her mind. But she can't call her. Because if she does, they'll only end up arguing some more and she can't deal with that now. She can barely deal with herself in this state, adding Laura to that wouldn't end well. So she shoves her hands deeper down her pockets, sighs heavily and closes her eyes for a moment. Her feet move per automatic, taking her further down the street. She's never been good at this, well, that's not true; she's good at _ arguing _. She's good with her fists too and her body can take far more punches than it looks like. She's good at being a fighter, an idiotic asshole who talks louder with hands and kicks than words. Not_ this _. Not being alone._

_She's always had someone._

_First Maddie. Than Ell. And now, or she hopes that's still accurate, Laura._

_She's always had someone in her corner. Someone to come home to. Somebody who would yell at her, tell her that she's a mess, that she could get herself killed one day. She's always had someone who took her under their arm and held her close until the pain didn't hurt anymore. She was never alone._

_But now she is._

_So gigantically, blood boiling alone._

_There's no one in her corner tonight. No one that will take care of her wounds. No one with kind words and soft kisses. All there is, is Carmilla and that boiling anger in her veins._

_She ends up entering The Zeta bar. It´s not a conscious choice, but it had been one if Carmilla had cared enough to choose in the first place. It´s the closest one and she's in desperate need of something to numb her thoughts, so she can deal with being around a couple of dumbass jocks and sorority girls if she gets one or two shots in her._

_It´s a quiet night, as one would expect it to be considering it´s a regular Thursday and finals are coming up so most of the students are locked away with their books in their respective dorms. Still, it gets more action than bars off campus. She immediately heads for the bar and orders two shots of tequila, both of which she takes in a row. The liquid burns down her throat and then settles with a roar in her stomach, sending hot shivers throughout her body. She isn't one for drinking excessively and ending up drunk, sleeping in some dark corner. But tonight, she wouldn't mind shutting off her brain and her heart._

_The third shot doesn't burn as much._

_When she turns the fifth shot glass over and places it carelessly on the counter, drops of tequila damping her shirt where she rest her arm next to the other turned over glasses, she doesn´t even feel it anymore. The guy behind the counter, a fairly tall, brown eyed man in his early twenties, eyes her absently when she knocks the glass over on its right side._

_She points down on the glass. “Another one”._

_“Sure”, he answers as he grabs the bottle of tequila and walks over to her side of the bar. Instead of giving her a new glass, he pours her another shot in the glass in front of her. He has barely stopped pouring when she snaps the glass from the table and takes the shot as it´s water. She sighs heavy and nods towards the glass as she pushes it towards him. “You're sure?”, he asks with knitted eyebrows._

_She grunts with an unimpressed expression. Out of her back pocket she fishes out enough cash to keep her going for another couple of hours. She places it on the counter, next to the glass._

_“Keep the change”._

_He nods, as if he understands, as if he can see the pain in her eyes, the bleeding wounds from where_ she _should be touching right now. He could never understand. No one can. Carmilla's sure of it._

_After that short conversation, if you can even call it that, and then a few minutes for the alcohol to kick in, Carmilla's view turns blurry. It´s like a plastic film is covering her eyes. She can just about she her own hands if she holds them up in front of her face, but when she concentrates on them for too long everything else starts to spin._

_She's too far down the rabbit hole to even notice another person next to her. The presence doesn´t bother her when she feels it. Somehow she´s there without actually being there. She can hear herself answer to questions, how she laughs low to something that sounds very much like a compliment, then she sees the face of someone who isn't Laura and that face is coming closer._

_Inch by inch._

_And she's so angry. So mad. Palmtwitchingly mad. And all she wants is to not feel like this._

_So she doesn´t._

_All of the feelings occupying her chest are pushed down, locked away, and the only one that's left is the one that should be reserved for_ her _. It spreads through her body like a wildfire, fueled by alcohol pumping through her veins. When two lips are on hers she lets go and pushes back. Hands find a waist and pull closer. Tighter. Harder. The girl in Carmilla's arms gasps against her mouth and then runs a slow finger down the side of Carmilla's face._

_Carmilla says yes, with her eyes before the question has been said and then again with her lips._

_When her eyes slowly open to meet the sunlight hitting her like a spotlight right in the face, a low grunt rumbles through her throat. Her head pounds. Her whole body aches. And it´s hot. Too hot. She rolls over on her side and then on her back, sighing as she breathes out. The bed dips on her right side in an unfamiliar way and she tilts her head to the side, to see…_

_“Fuck”._

_The word leaves her lips with the force of landmine. Her hand jerks up to cover her mouth. The girl in her bed still sleeps, quietly too. And she's not Laura._

_“Fuck”, Carmilla repeats against the palm of her own hand as she clench her eyes together tightly. Begging to a god somewhere to wake her up from this dream._

_But she doesn't believe in gods._

_Only in actions._

_And this, this was all her._

_“Fucking shit”, she whispers as she throws the sheets off of her naked body and stands. In the mirror angled towards the bed she spots more than a few marks on her hips and chest. Her eyes shot from one to another, causing her heart to jump a beat each time she finds a new one. Her fingers trace a particularly big red mark below her collarbone. It almost stings, even though it doesn't hurt, it still stings like a burn and her pupils dilate as the next thought hits her;_ I can't tell Laura _. It´s first in this moment that she notices it. She spins around, eyes darting from one wall to the other - it´s her room. She took the girl home, to her own room._

_“Fuck”, she mumbles and grunts, even louder this time. The girl, whose hair is sprawled all over the yellow pillow Carmilla stole from Laura that one time Laura went home for spring break to visit her dad, turns onto her back and the sheets are pulled down, reliving her very bare chest._

_Carmilla quickly looks away. Although, she has technically seen it all. She grabs her black shirt off the floor and puts it on and then a pair of underwear. She´s not sure where to begin, if she should wake the girl up, if she should collect her clothes from yesterday, or if she should wake up the girl and get her the hell out of her room._

_The decision is made for her._

_Or lack thereof as she hears the front door to the apartment open. For a moment she thinks that it´s Perry, her roommate, but then there´s that voice. The only one the wants to hear. The last one she can hear right now._

_“Fuck, fuck fuck”, Carmilla breathes and looks frenetically for her pants._

_“Carm”, Laura tries and Carmilla's heart is about to stop any second now. “Carm, I know that you probably don't want me here. But I haven´t sleep all night and I just want to talk. We really need to talk”, she continues and Carmilla looks from the door to the girl now slowly waking up in her bed. She can hear by Laura´s voice getting stronger and clearer that she's approaching the door. “I´m sorry for what I said yesterday. I love you and I just want this to work, so can we-”._

_The door opens and Carmilla's heart stops._

_Laura looks happy. Eyes bright. Lips smiling in that sweet way Carmilla loves._

_And if this it was a dream, this would be the moment Carmilla woke up to finding Laura sleeping soundly next to her._

_Instead, Laura furrows her brow and turns her eyes to the bed. Carmilla watches that smile fade, slowly, into nothing. “-talk?”, Laura says._

_Carmilla licks her lips and takes a step forward, ignoring the movement in the corner of her eye. “I can explain”._

_“I´m sure you can”. Laura´s eyes are still on the girl in Carmilla's bed, who now moves to sit up upright with her arms holding on tight to the sheets to cover herself up. Laura opens her mouth, but then closes it. When her brown eyes find Carmilla's, they are empty._

_Then she turns around and runs out._

_“Laura!”._

_Carmilla runs after her._

\--- **//** \---

_Her lips taste like cherry. Sweet and intoxicating. She moans desperately against Carmilla's lips, which only puts purrs her on even further. Carmilla's hands work fast on her own shirt, unbuttoning it with trained fingers, she then shrugs it off her shoulders without detaching from the blonde girl´s lips._

_“Again?”._

_Carmilla smiles when she laughs, Beth. Beth´s laugh is a vibrating mix of joy and lust. When Carmilla leans back to look at her, she finds biting down on her bottom lip with an extremely wicked look in her eye._

_“What can I say, I can't get enough of you”, Carmilla answers and nudges her nose against Beth´s. It´s true, since she ran in the in fierce, bubbly, confident redheaded girl in the library three weeks earlier, she hasn´t been able to get enough of her. Carmilla wrinkles her nose at her and then catches her lips in another kiss. It doesn't last long, because Beth tilts her head to the side and laughs once again._

_“Do you even know what the time is?”, she asks with that silky voice._

_Carmilla grunts and lets her head fall to rest on Beth shoulder. “I don´t care. Can you kiss me now?”._

_Her head bounces against Beth shoulder when Beth holds back that gorgeous laughter. Carmilla´s position becomes difficult to maintain when Beth suddenly leans to the left, and Carmilla sits back up and runs a hand through her hair as she waits for the other girl to get herself back in the game._

_“It's 10:35”._

_“What?!”, Carmilla almost shrieks and jumps out of the bed like she´s been sprayed with water. She scrambles onto her feet and rebuttons her shirt, it´s the one she slept in but it´s the only one she has and Beth´s two sizes bigger than her. “I´ve got that interview today”._

_“I know”, Beth answers lightly and leans back on the bed, looking well amused._

_Carmilla stops for a moment to look at her, frowns as she tries her very hardest at looking angry, but she can't hold it when Beth's lips jerk up in that little smile of hers. She can´t wait to wipe that smile away and replace it with her begging for more. She lets it go as she jumps into her jeans and buttons them as she scans the floor for her shoes._

_“I need to do something with my hair, I look like shit”, she states as she walks past Beth side of the bed._

_“Put some water in it and air dry it. You'll be fine”, Beth answers and pats Carmilla on the back of her thigh with her foot. “You´ll get it, you know”._

_“Yeah yeah”, Carmilla answers and ties her right shoe before the left one. “I´ll be done in five”, she promises, mostly herself, and heads for the bathroom._

_The bathroom is right to the left outside the bedroom and she flicks the light on with a light touch to the button placed slightly down to the left inside the door. She gets the water running in the sink as she tries to rub away some sleep out of her eyes. She kicks the door closed, but it swings open again behind her as she cups her hands under the running water. In her head she can't help but yell at herself for forgetting the meeting, her one and only chance at maybe, just maybe, having a sufficient job for the rest of the year._

_She washes of her face and the makeup from last nigh. She could probably borrow some of Beth, just a touch of mascara or something, so that she actually looks alive. Then her fingers run through her hair, wetting it slightly._

_It´s a normal Wednesday morning, apart from the fact that she's suppose to do something else than having breakfast with Perry at that little cafe two streets down from their apartment. It´s one of those things they do, even though they're far from being close friends. It's nice to have a tradition. Carmilla knows for sure that she told Perry about the interview and that´s where Perry should be thinking that she going, which is why she's not at home. But when her phone rings she has to think back, and yes she did tell Perry. Twice. It doesn't surprise her though that Perry has forgotten, so she decides to let it go to her voicemail._

_But then there´s that silky voice again and Carmilla stops in her motions to listen more carefully._

_"This is Carmilla's phone", she can hear Beth answer. Carmilla waits, knows that any second now Perry should be asking Beth to tell her to give her a call. Simple as that. But instead she hears Beth give another answer, "no, sorry, she´s in the shower, can I take a message?". That should be enough, Carmilla thinks. Now, Perry will definitely just tell her that one thing Carmilla knows that she will. But it takes too long for Beth to hang up. Too many seconds passes. So she leaves the bathroom, the tap still running, and walks back to the bedroom. She stops in the doorway, Beth faced with her back to the door. "From whom?", Beth asks and Carmilla can feel it in her whole body._

_"Beth"._

_The red haired girl turns, with a cute smile on her lips. "Hey, babe, someone named Laura wants to-"._

_Whatever the person on the other ends says, Carmilla can´t hear it, but she can see what it does to Beth. The smile turns into a frown, then a blank expression and finally her eyes darken. Beth licks her lips slowly and Carmilla isn't prepared, at all. This is not what she thought would happen._

_This is not what she had planned._

_Beth lowers her hand, Carmilla´s phone still in her hand. She shakes her head and walks up to Carmilla, shoves the phone into her hands. "Screw you, Carmilla", she hisses and Carmilla gapes, unable to say anything. Because she doesn't know what she would even be trying to explain._

_Her eyes are following Beth as she storms out of the room, as she puts the phone to her ear. "Hello?"._

_"Beth was it?", the voice says and Carmilla knows who it belongs to. She knows as soon as the first syllable meets her. Laura. Her heart stops and her eyes fall to the floor as she feels her chest heave uncontrollably for a few seconds. Laura doesn´t say anything about it, nor who initially answered her call, instead she sighs. "Danny and Kirsch expect us to be at their house at eight. Pick me up at half eight and don't forget to bring that bottle of Merlot, it´s the least we can give them for offering to cook dinner for us all"._

_"I-", Carmilla tries to say something, anything, that could help her._

_Instead, she's cut off and all of those words that has already been said once before, dies in her mouth. Leaving a sour taste on her tongue._

\--- **///** \---

_The paper sheets crumble in her hand as she clenches to the edge of the bed. She winces as something cold touches her forehead._

_“Sorry”. The nurse smiles apologetically and touches the wound on Carmilla's forehead once again, but this time Carmilla's prepared for the cold feeling. When she touches the swab in the trash it´s stained red. Carmilla rolls her eyes at it, which of course the nurse catches. “You were lucky. Most people can't say that they walk away from an accident like that with only a cut to the forehead”, she says and stands up, taking off and throwing her gloves in the trash._

_“Well”, Carmilla replies. “Luck isn't really my thing, cutie”._

_“You sure about that?”. Carmilla meets the look that nurse gives her and then lets her eyes follow the length of her body._

_“Absolutely”._

_Before either of them has time to say anything else another girl enters the closed of space that was given to Carmilla when they arrived. The girl doesn't look half bad, a part from what Carmilla guesses is a sprained wrist by the look of it._

_“Babe”. The girl walks up to Carmilla with quick step and kisses her eagerly. Carmilla returns the favor with a hand pulling her closer as it presses gently on the small of her back. “You're okay?”, the girl asks when they part and Carmilla looks over at the nurse, who only gives her a wicked smile and then walks away._

_“Yeah, it´s nothing”. Carmilla pulls the girl down on to the bed, close to her side. “Your car looks worse, I believe”, she comments and the girl scoffs._

_“Thank god for insurance”._

_“Yes”, Carmilla agrees and tilts the girl´s head in her direction with a gentle finger under her chin. Their gazes are locked on each other and Carmilla's lips jerk into a smirk. “But I'd thank my ability to do two things at once, and not some god”. Her smile is far from sweet, because she can still feel the girl´s fingers move lower and lower on her stomach to where they ended up right before the crash. And think it all began with a little teasing of how texting and driving are for amateurs. Carmilla makes a mental note to remember that they should try that again some time, maybe not when the car is actually on the road going 45 miles/hour._

_“Really? If you´re that good, why did we end up in a car crash?”, the girl answers, lips brushing against Carmilla´s._

_“I have no mind control over other people. He crashed into us, not I into him”._

_She doesn't get an answer. Instead, the girl erases the space between them in a searing kiss, tongue licking into Carmilla's mouth and a hand tangling deep into her black hair. Carmilla hums, approvingly, and lets go of the girl´s chin to let her hand fall onto her thigh. When she squeezes, gently at first, just above the knee, then harder and slowly moving up over the girl´s thigh, Carmilla coaxes a small moan from the girl._

_Carmilla isn't sure of her name, it starts with a C or maybe S. What she´s perfectly sure of is how her stomach flips when she does that thing with her tongue, that brilliant tongue that Carmilla can't get enough of. In her mind the girl has already moved passed Carmilla's neck, where it currently sucks and nips, and pays attention to the one place Carmilla wants it to. The gasp leaving her lips is only but a promise of all the ways that girl can make Carmilla lose her breath with that tongue._

_Carmilla's eyes open and she´s ready to propose that they move this to a more private room. The moment they open she lays eyes on another person standing just within the enclosed space. They widen when they meet a pair of brown, empty eyes. Carmilla stiffens and her heart stops. The girl by her side stops her assault at Carmilla's neck, to then follow Carmilla´s gaze to find the same person that Carmilla can't stop looking at._

_“Laura?”._

_Laura doesn´t answer. Instead she looks from Carmilla to the unknown girl. Her brown eyes fill with disappointment. Carmilla lowers her gaze, in obedience. She can feel the unsure tension in the air._

_Laura sighs and takes a step closer, arms hanging by her side, she radiates strength and sadness in its purest form. “Get out”, she says with a steady voice. Carmilla swallows hard, but the lump in her throat doesn't allow her to breathe any better anyway._

_“Carm?”._

_Carmilla regrets that she didn't send her away the moment Laura walked in when she sees the way Laura's eyes darkens at the sound of Carmilla´s nickname. The one that only Laura used to be able to say without Carmilla cringing._

_That was a long time ago._

_“Get out. Now”, Laura repeats with that freakishly calm and steady voice. Carmilla can see it it her girlfriend's eyes that she doesn't need to bring fire or pain to get her point across. Laura has always been strong, even when Carmilla waiver, she's still been rock solid and safe. She doesn't need big words or hard ones, all she needs is to look at Carmilla with those eyes filled with all the things she's yet to say._

_It´s within the silence that occurs that the girl finally notices the differences and similarities in the two other women. Carmilla can feel it as the girl finally understands what Laura is saying, even without anyone telling her_ what _she's actually saying. Carmilla breaks eye contact with Laura when the girl by her side apparently stands up. She doesn´t move, she only stands above Carmilla and looks down at her. When Carmilla somehow finds herself meeting her eyes, she can see the one and only question in those grey eyes; who was I to you?_

_And the truth is that she has no answer._

_She wish she had one, but she hasn't found one yet._

_The girl rushes past Laura, leaving Carmilla with that unsaid question. Carmilla will have forgotten all about her in a few days, but that question will never let her be. Like always._

_Laura doesn´t seem to want to move, so Carmilla does. She grabs her jacket that has been laying over the foot of the bed since she got here. She puts it one with pain shooting through her body. The nurse said something about how she could experience some pain in her back and shoulders because of the collision. When the silence has taken up enough room within her mind she fights it the only way she knows how, “why are you here?_ How _are you here?”, she asks._

_“I´m your emergency contact, remember”, Laura replies and crosses her arms over her chest. “You okay?”. She sounds concerned, more than Carmilla knows she deserves._

_“It´s a scratch”, she says and scratches at her scalp. "No harm. No foul"._

_It´s meant to be a joke. A stupid one, she knows that, but still a joke._

_"Are you being serious?", Laura asks with a harsher tone. Carmilla looks up, surprised and confused by the question. Laura looks at her with dark eyes, questioning mouth and messy hair. The kind of messy hair she gets when she jumps right out of bed without brushing it. She was already asleep, Carmilla thinks to herself. "_ I've _been_ harmed _, Carmilla. You hurt me"._

_Carmilla takes a step closer to her, ready to catch her before she´s out of reach. Because she knows that tone. Has grown to know that tone. "Laura, I-", she cut off by Laura shaking her head, tears threatening to fall over her cheeks._

_Laura breathes out heavily, arms falling back to her sides. "Doesn't that count?", she asks and Carmilla is frozen to the floor. She can't even speak._

_And Laura isn't the kind of girl that waits, not when she knows she won't get an answer. So she walks away._

_"Laura", Carmilla tries but her voice falls short and when she finally manages to take another step, Laura's already gone._

\-----

Morning comes, far from easy and comforting. Her body aches. Her head thumps with a much earned headache. As for her hunger, it dies, even though it has added to her lack of sleep, when the door is opened on ajar with a clicking sound of the lock. She turns her head to look in, unsure of if she's supposed to go in without an invitation. Maybe this is the only invitation she'll get. So she scribbles on to her stiff legs and leaves her spot on the stairs, but her breath is caught in her throat and her heart doesn't even dare to whisper _her_ name. It won't until it has permission. Like it did when they were only beginning, before all of this even started.

 _She_ is sat on the staircase to the second floor. Clad in jeans and that with shirt with the giraffe pattern. Her hair is up in a messy bun and her shoulders are sagging with exhaustion.

That clarifies that they've both haven't gotten any sleep. Like always.

Carmilla closes the door carefully, almost like she's afraid that if she does it to quickly she'll scare away Laura or if she makes too much noise she'll lose her already slim chance at rectifying this. When she leans back against the door, the silence hits her like a shot to the gut. Watching the girl she loves look straight down, frozen in that exposing position, dark circles under her eyes, stains of running mascara just below her nose, it hurts her in ways a human being shouldn't feel hurt. What's worse is that Carmilla hasn´t seen her _this_ bad before, and that scars the living shit out of her.

She has put that girl through hell and back, but she have always had hope in her eye, no matter how dirty her lies and secrets were.

Not this time.

She waits for something. Anything. To be perfectly honest, Carmilla wouldn't mind Laura flipping some shit right about now. A couple of bruises, a black eye or a split lip. She deserves it all, so if that's what Laura feels like doing, she should do it. But the brunette stays quiet and still. Carmilla would´t even believe that she was breathing if it wasn't for the shallow rise and fall of Laura´s chest. Maybe this is why she gets this time - the silent treatment.

It's the worst of all reactions she has caused.

Tears build up in her throat, slowly choking her. While her legs start to shiver with restlessness and nervousness. She's ready to beg. To crawl on her knees. To drown what's left of her flawed pride and let it die for forever. She's ready to promise her anything and everything. Problem is; she did that the last time. And the time before that, too. She has promised it all - to be faithful, honest, supporting, to be _her_ one and only - and she has broken all of those promises.

She should be institutionalized considering how fucked up she truly is.

She's caught of guard when a small, yet strong whisper breaks the silence.

"Why?", the girl who used to smile a soon as they laid eyes on each other says. 

Carmilla misses that.

"Laura", she begins and searches for something to say, something that could rationalize all of this. She falls short. As usual. "I don't know", she admits and even though her eyes have fallen to the floor, she can see the way Laura's shoulders drop a little lower. Carmilla wishes for nothing more than to being able to give her an answer, an answer to them both, so that they at least know why she always does this.

"I do", Laura says with a sigh. 

Carmilla bites down, hard, on her bottom lip, puncturing it slightly and the taste of iron fills her mouth. She knows, she needs to look up, Laura won't say another thing before she does. But she can't, because she knows how bad it is this time. How bad she has screwed up.

And she _knows_ that Laura can only take so much. And she has already taken too much.

She shakes her head with those god forbidden tears threatening to fill her eyes, unable to move her gaze from the spot on the floor she's been focusing on. Two years. She can feel they slip through her fingers, falling slowly to hit the floor beneath her, to shatter into too many pieces, too many for Carmilla to put together. She feels it all, like it suddenly becomes clear, and when she draws for another breath her lips trembles.

"Carmilla". Her voice is short, not warm and loving. Her name sounds wrong in that neutral tone. In that name all her lies and promises echo - _'it meant nothing', 'I was drunk', 'you know I love you, cutie, and I only want you', 'please, Laura, I promise it won't happen again', 'you have my word'_. Carmilla knows now, her word is worth shit. She wants to yell back at that echo, say that it's not all lies, that she truly loves Laura, that she'll do anything for her, that Laura is the only person in this world that she has ever loved.

But that is a lie too. Because there was a _first love_ before there was ever a _Laura_.

But that's different. Laura is different. She's much more than simply one love that comes and goes. Carmilla gave up on convincing herself of otherwise long before they even got together.

"Look at me", Laura tells her and Carmilla swallows hard.

With her eyes watering up, she finally finds the strength to look up. She's met by a pair of brown, tired, glassy eyes. Laura looks older, much older than her actual twenty two years. I did that, Carmilla thinks for herself and breathes out, with it a tear rolls down her cheek. Laura doesn't say anything at first, doesn't even react to Carmilla crying right in front of her. It must be the first time she has ever seen Carmilla cry. Then, with another deep sigh, she shakes her head.

"I can't do this", she begins and Carmilla throws herself forward on shaky legs.

"Laura I-", but she quiets as Laura tilts her head to the side, tears quickly build up in her eyes.

"What? Are you going to promise me that it won't ever happen again?". Her voice is cold, not loud in volume, but icing cold and every word hits Carmilla in the face like one slap after another. The brunette seems to wait for an answer, but Carmilla can't give her one without completely breaking down, so she gives none. "You know", Laura whispers and her eyes fall down to the floor again. "The first time I met you I thought you were the most obnoxious, selfish and arrogant person I'd ever encountered". Carmilla doesn't dare to even breathe, to scared to even let down her guard for another breath. But she's forced to give in when Laura laughs hollowly and continues, "that first impression was the right one. I should have listened to it".

Carmilla remembers that day. She was a bitch to Laura and pretty much everyone else, too. But Laura changed that, she changed everything about Carmilla into something brighter and less heavy. Yet, she was never able to shake the feeling of needing something else, something more, something to fill the screaming void in her core. That same hole that she'd been carrying around since birth, since she was left to cope on her own, since she was left with nothing but pain and hurt and no love in sight. Carmilla could not shake that feeling, not even with someone as perfect as Laura. Maybe she was just afraid to let the one person in the world that wanted her to stay close, see what kind of darkness that lived inside of her. Maybe she was just too scared of giving up that last piece of her soul, because if she did Laura could destroy her. Carmilla would never recover from that.

So she wrecked herself before Laura had the chance.

Carmilla breathes in through trembling lips, holds the air down for longer than she can count right in this moment and then lets it out. “I am so sorry”, she says so low she can barely hear the words herself.

“You always say that”, Laura answers quickly and Carmilla´s legs struggle to keep her upright. “But I'm not sure you even care enough to mean it”. Carmilla's eyes jerk up at that, to find Laura looking down on her from where she´s sitting. How could she ever ruin someone as good as Laura, her heart asks and then thumps a little bit harder. 

Those brown eyes has always been a fascination to Carmilla. Even when Laura says nothing, she says everything she's thinking though those eyes. The concept of being open as a book never really fit on anyone until they met. Because Laura was the definition of an open book. So it doesn´t scare Carmilla when she watches those eyes change before her own, how they pierce through Carmilla´s guard like arrows and turns into something hollow.

Laura sighs and stands up, straightens out her shirt and then sighs again. “This was the last time”.

“I promise!”, Carmilla says and feels herself be lift up. She still got a chance to fix this.

But Laura´s eyes are still hollow.

“No, Carmilla. _This_ was the last time”, she says. Carmilla's whole weight doubles and she can barely stand without her knees giving in. She wants to say something. Tell her how much she loves her. Give her that void, hold it up in her hands and say ‘this is why I am a monster, this is it’. She wants to give Laura whatever she needs to forgive her. Instead, Laura turns and starts to walk up the stairs. "I'll call Kirsch. He can come get your things".

No.

It´s a silent thought, far too little to be expressed in words. 

This is not how our story goes, Carmilla reminds herself.

“Carmilla”. Her eyes shoot up to meet Laura´s. Maybe she´s wrong. Maybe there's still some hope. Carmilla´s mind is blank. Her eyes glassy. Her voice eradicated. Her heart exposed. And all she wishes for is one last chance. Just one last time. “I hope you find what you're looking for, but when you do, don't come crawling back to me when she isn't good enough. I will not be here for you, ever again”. 

Laura´s words are nails to Carmilla´s coffin.

She doesn´t even move, not after Laura walks out of her field of view, not when tears run like burning lava down her face. She stumbles on her feet and almost falls on her face when she makes her way out the door. The wind hits her in the face like a cold, wet rag, rain washing down her face. She's soaked long before she's able to make a sound, but when she does, not even thunder could quiet the rumbling cry tearing from her chest.

\-----

_Oh, feels like I've been looking everywhere (everywhere)// Just to find out that it's you (it's you, it's you, ohh)// Oh, feels like I've been looking everywhere// Just to find out that it's you (it's you, it's you, ohh)// I should've gone home_


	2. Chapter 2

_I thought that I'd been hurt before// But no one's ever left me quite this sore// Your words cut deeper than a knife// Now I need someone to breathe me back to life// Got a feeling that I'm going under// But I know that I'll make it out alive// If I quit calling you my lover// Move on// You watch me bleed until I can't breathe// Shaking, falling onto my knees// And now that I'm without your kisses// I'll be needing stitches// Tripping over myself,// Aching, begging you to come help// And now that I'm without your kisses// I'll be needing stitches_

_\- Stitches by Shawn Mendes_

\-----

Time. 

Laura watches it pass before her eyes.

She was five the first time she got to know the feeling of loss. The feeling of something carving a hole inside her core. She was five when she had to watch her father's eyes lose their joy, because her mother had been his reason to smile. She was just a kid. No one should have to know that kind of pain at that age. So was too young. Sitting on the foot of her bed now she thinks that she's still too young, still just a kid, far from ready to handle this kind of pain.

They had celebrated her thirteenth birthday two weeks before her dad had a heart attack. That day was another kind of hell. She was too afraid to even be afraid. Saying that she was shaken up was an understatement. She was completely lost in that moment. Thirteen year old Laura spent two whole days by her dad's hospital bed, hoping, begging, praying that he would end up okay. He smiled on the third day, took her one hand in his and the other he cupped around her damp cheek. He promised that he'd be around for a long, long time. That his love for her was enough to not give up the fight. He promised to never give up that fight.

Laura watches the time pass by her. Almost like she can reach forward and cling to one of those memories.

Her head pulsates together with her hammering heart. Her whole body aches. It´s like someone has beaten her up with a baseball bat, only they used it from the inside, as if they've been trapped inside her shaking body and were trying to escape her darkness. She thinks that it's true - a person is not born with darkness inside of them, it develops over time, takes them over, changes them from the core. When parts of one's soul has been dipped in that darkness, it can never be clean again, there will always be stains.

Her whole being has been immersed in the black, penetrating pain that now echoes empty inside of her.

She breathes out heavy, instead of breathing out _her_ name. When her body falls back against the mattress she welcomes the tiredness that finds her defenseless. Her eyes close and somehow she can feel her heart beat a little calmer.

\--- **/** \---

This _is not how their story goes._

_This is not what happens when you fall head over heels for someone. This is not what suppose to happen when you give someone all you got and more than you'll ever have._

_They have argued before, a lot actually, about insignificant things. They have fought to, for goodness sake they practically fought the whole week after they first met. But never like this. Never with it ending with one of them walking out. They always been able to work it out. Get it over and done with on the spot. It has never been too hard of a problem or too great of an obstacle. At least, it wasn't like that for a long time. Until it was a part of their everyday life. Arguing became something normal over breakfast and lunch. Going days without sleep because they were both too angry to talk, yet not enough to shut off their minds and fall to sleep. Or just because they can't be in the same room for more than five minutes before a spark sets them off. Laura doesn´t remember the last day she could go a_ whole _day without crying._

_That´s what their life has turned into._

__This _is not how it was suppose to go._

_Laura isn't sure what the fight started with. It could have been anything, anything at all. That´s what happened to them - they can't even have a normal, quiet, calm conversation without ending up in a hair-pulling and fist-shaking fight. All she really knows is that Carmilla walked out of that door and slammed it shut behind her, yelling something about needing some air, leaving Laura standing with her hands tossed up in her hair, cheeks red with anger and eyes wide from exhaustion._

_A lot of days Laura catches herself watching her, Carmilla. Almost as if she looks for that one thing that sets her off. She knows of course that there´s nothing there. She only hopes that she'll find it, find a reason to why they are so… wrong. It´s like they can't exist in each other´s orbits anymore without crashing, setting off waves of emotion and heartache. It wasn't like that in the beginning of their relationship. Or well, not their actual relationship. The short time they were somewhat friends didn´t go that well, but it didn't hurt then as much as it does now. Because now she knows how it feels to be loved by Carmilla. The memory of Carmilla's arms around her waist is still fresh. The sound of her name whispered, screamed, moaned by Carmilla still ring in her mind. It hurts now, because she knows how good they can be._

_Lately they haven´t been anything else than bad, for each other and themselves._

_The first relationship Laura had was a messy one. It was a combination of all of her firsts, the first kiss, first makeout, first being caught by someone, first sex, first break up, first make up. It was the real thing, for about five minutes. She didn't walk into that relationship with great expectations, or any kind of expectation. She did love that girl on some level, in that teenage kind of way. But mostly, it was exciting, thrilling and new. They lasted as long as they should have and parted without wanting to kill one another, or keeping in touch for that matter. It was messy, but it was also fun._

_Her dad used to tell her about her mother and his first years. How they were at each other´s necks from time to time. That what happens when you live together, he'd explain it with a smile reflecting the memories of a woman he'd learned to live without. He hasn´t met Carmilla yet, but Laura knows that he would like her. Really like her. He has always felt the need to protect Laura and if he knew of the things Carmilla did to protect her she would be on the top of his Christmas card list. That being said, he would definitely threaten to shoot her if he ever found out how wrecked Laura has been these last weeks._

_Laura grows restless after walking around the room for a good fifteen minutes, Enough time for Carmilla to get home. Even though she still feels the aftershocks of the fight she still want to know that Carmilla made it home okay. So she pulls out her phone from her back pocket and texts Perry, Carmilla´s roommate, asking if Carmilla´s there._

_While she waits for a reply, she goes into the kitchen and makes a cup of cocoa. It burns the tip of her tongue, but she's on edge and doesn't have the patience to wait for it to cool down. She finishes it, without receiving an answer from Perry. Go figure, it's after ten pm on a school night, Perry's probably been in bed for an hour already._

_A little disappointed and worried, Laura washes the cup and goes to bed. She falls to sleep with a heavy mind and her night is haunted by nightmares and endless twitching._

_When she wakes up in the morning, her head is still heavy, this time because of the lack of sleep. She hates waking up and feeling like she's hungover, especially when she didn't have a drink the night before. What´s worse than that is waking up in a cold bed. She can explain it, Carmilla leaves this warmth and comfort when she's there and there´s nothing better than to wake up and still be cradled in that safety. Laura misses Carmilla even before she wakes up and when her eyes open the regret of not running after her when she walked out finds her._

_She doesn't think twice before calling Perry. To her delight, Perry picks up. The other girl immediately apologizes for not answering Laura´s text, saying that she spent the night at LaF´s place. When Laura asks if she might know whether or not Carmilla made it home last night, Perry answers that she had to get back to the apartment to get a change of clothes before she went to work a couple of hours earlier and as she was in the apartment she heard Carmilla in her room, besides her shoes and jacket were scattered over the hallway floor. She was quite annoyed by that, stating that she almost tripped over as she walked in, but it was a clear sign of that fact that Carmilla was in fact home._

_So Laura got up and put on some clothes, to eager to get away she skipped eating and hoped that she could, in worse case scenario, convince Carmilla to go out for breakfast. That would give them a chance to talk things over from last night, knowing that Carmilla doesn't enjoy eating and talking in the same time it would also give them time to just_ be _for a while before, hopefully not, rebooting that argument all over again._

_She takes a cab to Carmilla´s apartment and makes her way up the stairs with hope in her steps. She opens the front door as quietly as she can, just in case Carmilla's fallen back asleep. The apartment is quiet, until she hears someone mumbling and it comes from Carmilla´s room. A smile sweeps over your lips as you close the door behind you._

_“Carm”, Laura tries and waits a moment for Carmilla to answer, when she doesn´t Laura walks over towards the door. “Carm, I know that you probably don't want me here. But I haven´t sleep all night and I just want to talk. We really need to talk”, she continues. She hasn't thought this through really, all she knows is that they need to talk and the sooner the better. All she really wants is to see her face, those dark eyes and feel those strong arms again. “I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. I love you and I just want this to work, so can we-”._

_Her hand is on the doorknob and she turns it._

_The door opens without a sound. Her eyes lands on Carmilla standing right there in the middle of the room, barely dressed, with bed hair and bloodshot eyes. You're beautiful, Laura thinks and her lips pull up into a smile again._

_Only, something isn't right. She can feel it in the air. The smell, it´s…_

_Her brow furrows and she turns her eyes to the bed. The girl in Carmilla's bed is more uncovered than covered. She can feel her own face fall and with it her stomach sinks deeper and deeper into something new and hurtful. “-talk?”, she ends._

_She's transfixed by the sight of the other girl and frozen by the mix of feelings rumbling through her body. Her head is so full of questions it all turns into white noise._

_In the corner of her eye she watches Carmilla take a step forward in the same moment that the girl in the bed moves. “I can explain”._

_“I´m sure you can”. Maybe it´s the fact that there´re two voices in the room that finally wakes the girl up, who now moves to sit up upright with her arms holding on tight to the sheets to cover herself up. Laura opens her mouth, but then closes it. When her brown eyes find Carmilla's, she feels empty._

_Then she turns around and runs out._

_“Laura!”._

_She runs and runs, unable to stop. When she does, twenty minutes later, she has no idea where she is and the only thing she can do is to scream into her hands._

\--- **//** \---

_"I've never asked her"._

__"Asked her what? Who?" _, Danny asks absently._

 _"What happened to her", Laura replies. It has been bothering her for quite a while. "She has a scar on the back of her head. You can't see it, but I could feel it when I-", she stops herself as she hears Danny cough on the other end, and her cheek flush. "And she has a photograph album, it's completely empty, I flipped through it once and there was literally nothing in it. The only thing I found was the inscription on the first page, it said_ 'to Will and Carmilla, may your years be long and filled with happiness, from your loving parents' _. She has a brother. She has never_ once _mentioned him or her parents", she tells her and Danny makes a humming sound_

 __"Weird". __

_"No. It's Carmilla. But I wish that I'd asked, maybe it would have made some sense of this"._

__"Sense of what?” _. Laura bites the inside of her cheek. She hasn't told Danny. Hasn't told anyone of Carmilla´s_ misstep _. Not that couldn´t, more that she hasn't felt like it was necessary. She hasn't felt up to talking about it really. She tries her hardest to understand it, but some part of her can´t without knowing the reason behind it._ “Laura, what are you talking about?” _, Danny asks a bit louder and Laura scratch at her hairline._

_“Nothing. It´s nothing. I just-”. She's not a good liar, she knows this. So instead of lying she gives the girl on the other end some of the truth, “I just wish that I could have more. I want all of her, not just… broken pieces and hurt”._

_Danny scoffs on the other end and Laura breathes out, relieved._ “I don´t get you two” _._

_“I´m not sure we do either”, Laura answer with a pained smile, luckily Danny can't hear it through the phone._

__“Okay, I really need to go now, crazy. But you´ll be here at eight, right?”. __

_“Absolutely. See you then”._

_After Danny's hung up Laura gets in the shower. She takes her time, stands under the hot water long after the shampoo has been washed out. Her skin is beating red when she steps out and the bathroom is all steam. She gets dressed with her hair thrown up in her towel, afterwards she sits back down on her bed and dials the first speed dial on her phone. The signals comes one after another, until is clicks._

__"This is Carmilla's phone" _, an unfamiliar voice tells her and Laura´s eyebrow hitches up._

_“Hi, is Carmilla there?”._

__”No, sorry, she´s in the shower, can I take a message?" _._

_Laura holds back the heavy sigh harboring in her chest. If she'd called Carmilla and she would have been home, as she said she would be, no one would have answered her. Not even Perry, because Perry knows better than to go into Carmilla's room. More for her own sanity than the risk of Carmilla caring that much about it. But since she got an answer, from someone who´s voice is new to Laura, Carmilla isn't home._

_“Tell her that she better remember that she´s suppose to be somewhere tonight and if she isn't there she'll disappoint more than one person today”, Laura answers and unwraps her hair from the towel. Her hand runs through the wet strands of brown hair._

_It has been months since Carmilla last hurt her like this, yet it's right on schedule._

_She should have seen this coming._

_The girl on the other end doesn't seem to get it, at all. The voice is still chipper and sweet when she asks,_ "from whom?" __

_“Laura”._

_Laura expects her to hang up on that with a promise of delivering the message to Carmilla. Instead the girl´s voice turns distant, like she´s talking to someone else in the room._ "Hey, babe, someone named Laura wants to-". __

_“You know what, you better tell her that it's her girlfriend, she´s not that good with names”. She says it without thinking. It just comes out and afterwards she smiles, because after all that has happened she doesn't just lay down and wait for the blow - she delivers it herself._

_It's quiet for a moment and Laura wonders what goes on on the other end of this phone call. She would pay a lot of money to see the look on Carmilla's face right about now. Then, there it is,_ "screw you, Carmilla". _Satisfied isn't quite the word to express how Laura feels. Nor is happy. She's disappointed, that´s for sure. Hurt, yes. Surprised, hardly. If she's surprised it´s because of her own reaction and not Carmilla´s behavior. There's not a lot about Carmilla that could surprise her by now._ "Hello?" _, it´s a quiet word, a question without a fitting answer. Laura thinks that Carmilla sounds unsure and that too, fills her with emotions she can't quote put the word on._

_"Beth was it?", she replies and rolls her eyes at the name. "Danny and Kirsch expect us to be at their house at eight. Pick me up at half eight and don't forget to bring that bottle of Merlot, it´s the least we can give them for offering to cook dinner for us all"._

__"I-" _, Carmilla tries to say something but Laura´s had enough of her voice already._

_So she cuts her off and throws the phone back down into her bag. Tears threatening to ruin her make up. It´s not even eleven am._

\--- **///** \---

_The call comes as a flash from an empty sky and it hits Laura like a busload to the chest._

_She throws on the first pair of jeans she finds and a t-shirt. She doesn't care about how it looks or how_ she _looks. All she needs is to get there. She needs to get there._

_The old, and reliable, car her dad got her for her birthday sputters and protests to her rough hands. By the time she pulls up at the hospital she´s broken the record for the most times you can get flipped off during a ten minutes drive, and three different drives practically jumped on their horns at her driving._

_She runs from the car to the entrance of the emergency room. Almost trips on her untied pair of converse. At the desk she mumbles the name, afraid of the answer she'll get but when the nurse behind it tells her that it's okay and where to go, the worry shrinks to something._

_As she makes her way to the bed the nurse behind the desk directed her she walks past another nurse. Only this one is smiling. A little too big, or just shamelessly. It´s not the kind of smile one would expect to see at an hospital, nevertheless in an full emergency room._

_The seed has been sown before she walks around the curtain and lays eyes on the girl with dark hair and the girl sitting besides her._

_The call had come as a flash in a dark and quiet night. This however doesn't come with any thunder or lightning bolt. All it does is remind Laura of all the_ other _times. It rips open the wound stretching from her sternum and down to her navel. It rips it open as if she's made of paper._

 _The girl´s mouth is attached to Carmilla's neck, moving lower and lower by every loud kiss. It´s the first time Laura sees it, like_ really sees _it. The other times she has caught Carmilla it has been after the damage has been done already. Although if she knows Carmilla like she knows she does by now, this isn't the first time that girl has Carmilla under her tongue. And considering the nurse´s smile, Carmilla wasn't planning for her to be the last. Carmilla gasps and it sends shivers down Laura´s back. Her hands turn to fists. In another world she would tear them apart by their hair and have them both hanging from her hands while she dragged them out to the parking lot. In another world, she would have to take to violence to get control of her pain. To be able to keep that wound from making her bleed out. In another world, or time, or life, she wouldn't be able to just watch._

_Carmilla's eyes are hazy, filled with desire and want, when they open and Laura can see the way her lips whimper under the girl´s touch. At first she doesn´t seem to see it, but then those dark eyes widen. As if on queue Carmilla stiffens and Laura can only hope for the sake of the staff that this is going to be quick and easy. She isn't up for a protracted conversation. The girl finally catches on to Carmilla's sudden change in posture and her eyes find Laura´s, which are filled with a growing contempt._

_“Laura?”._

_Laura doesn´t answer. Instead she looks from Carmilla to the unknown girl. Her brown eyes fill with disappointment. Carmilla lowers her gaze, in obedience. Coward. That's the first thing that pops up in Laura's mind, that and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to smash Carmilla's face in. Or something equally as violent to the wall._

_Laura sighs and takes a step closer, arms hanging by her side, she tries her hardest to be strong even though her whole body vibrates with sadness in its purest form. “Get out”, she says with a steady voice. She can see how Carmilla swallows hard. Maybe that can be the first triumph._

_“Carm?”, the girl´s voice is high pitched. Squeaky. Sharp. Young. Untouched by the many shades of pain and heartbreak that has taken a turn at Laura´s own. A wave of anger fall over Laura, she can feel it as it pushes the sadness away and replaces it with something much dark. Much more unreliable. It´s the mix of it - the girl´s voice in itself and the fact that she calls Carmilla by her nickname. The nickname that only_ Laura _was allowed to use._

_Maybe it has been longer than it feels like. Maybe she´s only one in the crowd nowadays that calls her by that name.._

_“Get out. Now”. She surprises herself with how controlled and steady it comes out. Yet again, this isn't her first time handling this kind of situation. She should be used by now one would think. That thought alone makes her dream the worst kind of nightmares at night. Carmilla's eyes are on her and Laura can see her emotions play in those dark eyes. She can see the kind of power she has over Carmilla, because she can still look at her and say all the things in the world without using words. They´ve always been connected on that level._

_No matter the situation.._

_A silence falls over them, all of them. But it doesn't take long before something changes. The girl sitting by Carmilla's side looks from Carmilla too Laura, back and forth. With every second that passes, Laura notices how the girl tenses up and a shade of anger falls over her eyes, than disbelief. (Laura knows that feeling all too well.) Then anger again. She´s quite impressed though by how easy the girl takes it, if Laura´s right Carmilla has made that poor girl believe that she's the only one. Like she´s Carmilla´s_ one and only _. That's wishful thinking. Or idiotic. Laura hasn't decided yet. If she had she wouldn't be standing here. Or maybe that´s exactly where she'd be. When the girl rises to her feet, Carmilla breaks the eye contact she´s held with Laura. Another victory. The girl only stands there, by Carmilla's side, over Carmilla's head she looks down on her and Laura´s once again impressed with how she deals. And on some level amused by how much of a coward Carmilla can be when it comes down to doing the right thing, even though it might be too late to salvage anything of value. Laura wants to tell her that it's no use - Carmilla will never give her an answer so she might as well give up and get over and done with it._

_However, she doesn't get the chance to say any of that because the girl walks past her. Laura can see the tears in her eyes when she passes her. There goes another broken heart, she thinks to herself and holds her eyes on Carmilla._

_She has no intention of moving, but after a while Carmilla does. She grabs her leather jacket laying over the foot of the bed and puts it on, her face twitching with pain. Laura hates herself for feeling sorry for her. She really do hates that part of her. Still, she loves that too. Because it means that she's still human, she's still_ Laura _, she´s still the girl that cares for other people. Carmilla hasn't ruined that. Laura hasn't let her ruin that, or let herself do it for that matter._

 _Laura waits quietly for what she knows comes. Carmilla has never been good with silence, at least not this kind. And soon enough Carmilla breaks it, “why are you here?_ How _are you here?”, she asks._

_“I´m your emergency contact, remember”, Laura replies and crosses her arms over her chest. “You okay?”, she asks to soothe the worry crawling through her veins._

_“It´s a scratch”, Carmilla says and scratches at her scalp. "No harm. No foul"._

_Laura sucks in a sharp breath. Her mind goes blank for a second, blank with fury. Flaming fury that spreads through her body, the kind that ravage all over her core and leaves her burned on the inside._

_"Are you being serious?", Laura asks with a harsher tone. Carmilla looks up at that, she looks surprised and confused by the question. Laura´s eyes are dark, even though they´d rather be red and glowing to reflect the fire inside her. "_ I've _been_ harmed _, Carmilla. You hurt me", she says and every word burns her lips, leaving her tongue scorched and burning with a deep pain._

_Carmilla takes a step closer to her. "Laura, I-"._

_Laura shakes her head, cutting her off, and her eyes can barely hold back the tears._

_She breathes out heavy, arms falling back to her sides. "Doesn't that count?", she asks. Her eyes are on Carmilla and she hopes that the other girl can see that_ this _is Laura begging for an answer. That this is the right time to say something really fucking perfect, so that she doesn't have to feel this helpless. But Carmilla doesn't even make an attempt at speaking._

_And Laura isn't the kind of girl that waits, not when she knows she won't get an answer. So she walks away._

_"Laura", Carmilla calls after her but her voice falls short after that._

_And Laura is already halfway down the hall, hands wiping repeatedly at her cheeks to get those damn tears away. She doesn´t stop until she lays a hand on the handle and rips the car door open. Carmilla comes walking towards the car five minutes later, eyes fixed at the ground, shoulders slouching and Laura can't do anything about the way her stomach flips at the sight of the girl with raven dark hair and torn eyes. All she wonders is how many more tears she has left to cry for this girl before it becomes too much._

\-----

Time is such a difficult thing to grasp. Especially when time used to be useless when it was spent with _her_. Laura isn't sure how long it has been. Too long. Too short. It has taken a tore at her everyday life. Nothing is what it used to be anymore. Because Laura's life was defined by the love she held for _her_. That´s why her stomach flips at the sight of _her_. Carmilla. It has been too long since they last saw each other for Laura´s body to not cringe, flutter and collapse at the very first glance of those dark curls and eyes.

Time is such a difficult thing to care about. Because _she_ has been sitting on the opposite side of the table from Laura. They been watching each other for what must be an eternity. Saying nothing. Thinking everything. Their eyes has been fixed at one another's, telling each other all the things their lips can´t allow to become words. Only, words is the one thing they need. Because without hearing _her_ voice Laura will break down, she's already at the edge, sitting so close yet so far away from her.

Carmilla sighs and turns her eyes away for the first time since they sat down. Her jaws tenses up. You're beautiful, Laura thinks and feels the tug at her heart. When those dark eyes find Laura´s again, they are empty and Laura wishes they were everything but that. “Do you miss me?”, the girl with raven dark hair asks and at the very first sound of her raspy voice, Laura´s heart jumps.

It shouldn't hurt like this.

It´s not possible to feel like this and still be able to breath. Yet, she's been doing that for days, weeks, months. She's done it even though she'd rather not.

“Like someone cut a hole in me”, she exhales, as if she's finally told a secret that has been tearing at her core.

Maybe it has.

“Laura, I know I cannot say anything to make this go away. I know that but…”, Carmilla begins and then her hand disappears under the table, when it reappears it holds onto a little packages. It´s wrapped in newspaper. “This is for you. I bought it before you… before _I_ fucked up everything”.

“You mean before you fucked _her_ ”, Laura corrects her and her voice comes out harsher than she intended. Carmilla's eyes turn away at that and she breathes out heavy, shoulders sagging a little.

“I just want you to have it”.

“What is this?”, she asks as she takes the package from Carmilla's hand. Her fingers work quickly on the paper and discards it without caring about it ripping. Her heart stops once again when she reads the title of the book she´s now holding in both hands. How. How, she asks herself as her fingers follow the letters on by one, spelling the title over and over again in her mind. _Wuthering Heights_ by Emily Brontë.

“You”, Carmilla whispers and Laura's eyes jerk up to finding a sweet smile on Carmilla's lips. “That is what I think of when I think of you”, she counties and tears build in those dark eyes. “Since I met you that day, found you practically drowning in that book, it looked like you tried to devour it with your eyes, I have not been able to _not_ think of that book”.

“Carmilla”.

“I knew you didn't have a copy of your own. Now you do”, Carmilla says and Laura takes in a slow breath.

“I can't believe you remembered”.

“I remember everything”. The ‘about you’ stays unsaid. “Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad. Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you. Oh, God. It is unutterable. I can not live without my life. I can not live without my soul”.

She remembers. Not the words, but the feeling they unleash. Laura bites down hard on her bottom lip as she runs her hands over the cover one last time.

“I´m not asking for your forgiveness, Laura, because I do not deserve it, but… I hope that, one day, we could be friends”, Carmilla continues before Laura can say anything at all. But that quote is all she can think about. All she _will_ be able to think about long after they both leave this table.“Or just friendly. I do not want to lose you”.

You already have, Laura´s mind tells her, but the words can´t find their way to her mouth.

“I don't want to be your friend. I won't be your friend”, Laura answers instead. Carmilla's eyes fall from Laura's gaze, not fast enough for Laura to not see them watering up. Her whole body seem to sag, like her whole being has been hung on her bones, but there´s nothing to keep her upright. “But I think we can be friendly”.

A spark of hope shines bright and powerful in the corner of Carmilla´s eye. “Really?”.

“One day at a time”. Laura nods to herself. “Maybe one day we can start over”.

She believes it. Almost too much. Still, she hasn't gotten what she came here for.

When Carmilla relaxes her shoulders, Laura shoots forward, bringing her right hand up to Carmilla's neck and pulls her closer. Carmilla's lips are willing against Laura´s, parting almost immediately as Laura asks for access with her tongue to Carmilla's mouth. A little whimper meets Laura when she licks into Carmilla's mouth and it encourages her to continue. She tastes so familiar and warm. She's the blend of coffee and chocolate. Kissing Carmilla feels just like Laura remembers it.

But then it ends as Carmilla pulls away

"I can't".

Laura bites her lip again. Her hands tingle and her heart beats a little too fast for her to be still. She wants to touch Carmilla. _Feel_ Carmilla. She already feel the sensation of Carmilla's fingers scratching her skull, swallowing back Laura´s name one second and then moaning it loud and clear the next. She can feel the tension in her body and the wetness growing between her legs.

But there´s also anger. Burning, earth shattering anger. And she can't hold it back.

"Why do you do this? Wasn't it enough to break my heart once, do you have to do it twice?!".

"You don't get it Laura. I broke my heart too. I broke _us_. I lied so many times, said whatever I needed for you to take me back. I never planned on hurting you Laura, but I did and when I got caught I was so scared of losing you. I used to think 'I've done it this time, she can never forgive me for this', but you did. You took me back each time even though I gave you enough reasons to make my life a living hell".

Carmilla's eyes are blown wide. Her knuckles with from holding her hands in tight fists. Her cheeks are flushed. She's everything but okay.

"You did that yourself", Laura says, understanding.

"Yeah”, Carmilla exhales and lets her hands let go, she presses her open palms against the table before placing them in her lap.“I loved you. I do _love_ you Laura. I love you enough to not put your through this again, I won't do this to you again”. She sounds sure. Absolutely sure. Like the it has been set in stone - they are never going to happen again.

But Laura hasn't had what she wanted, yet.

“To bad it's not your choice”.

“What?”, Carmilla asks with knitted brows.

Laura surges forward again, she puts everything in that first touch of their lips. All the anger, hate, passion and desire. She kisses her, hard and rough. Carmilla gasps against her lips, parting them to take in air and Laura takes the opportunity to bite down on Carmilla's bottom lip. She lets it go with a smirk and captures both of Carmilla's lips with her own again. Laura can feel Carmilla giving up, or giving in. Her lips push back and her teeth brush against Laura's, sending shivers down Laura's spine. Then her hand come up to Laura's face, caressing it slowly before she entangles her fingers into Laura's hair.

Laura´s body is still vibrating, the aftershocks of her orgasm running through her body. Three. It was three times. Her lips pull up into a smirk at the thought of it. Carmilla watches her with lazy eyes, lips swollen and love bites covering her chest. They´ve been lying that for quite a while. Not saying much. Carmilla broke the silence once when she said that she couldn't believe that they ended up here, explaining that she couldn't believe she was given a second chance and then whispered an ‘I love you’ against Laura´s temple. Laura throws the sheets off of her, flings her legs over the edge before reaching down for her jeans and shirt.

“Where are you going?”, Carmilla asks tiredly as she gets up on her feet.

Laura snickers as she puts on her shirt, buttons it up slowly and turns to the raven haired girl.

“Now you know how it feels to be wrecked, _cutie_ ”.

Carmilla looks stunned and then tears build in her eyes. Laura laughs, long and hard before leaving the room. Because now, she has gotten what she came here for.

Laura wakes up with a bitter taste in her mouth and a heart beating hard in her chest. She breathes out deeply as she tries to get control over her pulse.

She can feel the girl by her side turning. “Babe, you okay?”, she slumbers with a sweet voice.

“Yeah, it was just a dream. Go back to sleep”.

Laura waits a minute or two before getting up. She makes her way in to the living room, there, on the second shelf of the bookshelf, she finds the book. The one Carmilla gave her for their second anniversary. She opens it and reads the inscription on the first page quietly to herself.

 _To Laura, the girl that will always own my patched up, flawed mess of a heart. I love you cutie, now and forever_.

It has been years and it still hurts to think of _her_.

“Hey”. Laura jumps at the voice, but settles when she looks over to the open door she just left. The girl´s silhouette is the only thing she can really see in the darkness. “What are you doing?”.

“I thought you were asleep”, Laura answer as she puts the book back.

“I sleep better with you _in_ the bed. You didn´t answer my question”.

“Nightmare. I just needed to walk it off”.

The girl leaves the door, taking one step closer and Laura can feel the remains of the dream fade away. “What was it about?”.

“It´s stupid”.

“Tell me”, she insists and Laura breathes out.

“My ex. The one that cheated on me. I dreamed of her and how we meet afterwards, I was a bitch to her”, Laura explains and her hand reaches up to run through her hair, a nervous habit she was left with after _her_.

“I know. I was there”, the girl answers and Laura´s hand stops in confusion.

“What?”.

“It's alright _cutie_ ”.

Laura´s heart jumps at the nickname. With two more steps the girl steps in front of the window, the moonlight falls over her and those dark eyes are headlights in the darkness. A white a fierce smile fills her lips. She looks like the definition of insanity, clad in the form of a ghost. 

“Carmilla”.

Laura startles awake by the hard knock on the door downstairs. Or her own scream. Which one that came first is unclear. Her heart beats hard in her chest and her knuckles are snow-white from how hard the clench to the sheets. It takes a moment for her to understand, but she does after a while. The room is hers. It has been five hours since she sent Carmilla off.

She fell asleep.

When that thought finally finds it's way to her mind, she can feel the tension lose it's grip of her body. It was just a dream, she tells herself as she rubs the sleep out of her eyes. It was just a dream. There's a second knock on the door, so she gets up on her feet.

When she opens the door, there's is Kirsch. He eyes her, one eyebrow jerking up at the sight of her. She scratch at her scalp, anxiously, as she steps to the side to let him in.

"Hey".

"Hi", he answers and stops only a few feet through the door. Both of his brows now narrowed and his eyes start to fill with worry. She sighs and closes the door. “I got your text. But I'm not sure what I´m doing here”, he says and she leans back against the door.

“You're here to help me move on”.

He licks his lips with a thoughtful expression. She escapes his watching gaze as she walks past him up to her room again, Kirsch follows and when she stops in the middle of her room, with her hands shoved down her front pockets his face goes neutral for a moment. She can see the question in his eyes when they find their way to hers after examining the three boxes, one of them marked with red big screaming letters - _Carmilla_.

She cannot answer his question with words, because her throat is blocked with a lump of tears. So she nods instead. He comes over to her and wraps his arms around her, he holds her for several minutes. He smells like coffee and leaves. When he looks down at her his eyes shine with sympathy and brotherly love. 

Every ending is a new beginning.

She hopes that anyway as she carries one of the boxes down the stairs to Kirsch's car. One day she'll believe it, she knows that, but just for today it's one step at a time and maybe a few pauses there in between.

\-----

_Just like a moth drawn to a flame// Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain// Your bitter heart cold to the touch// Now I'm gonna reap what I sow// I'm left seeing red on my own// Got a feeling that I'm going under// But I know that I'll make it out alive// If I quit calling you my lover and// Move on_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com


End file.
